If you’ve read my posts previously, you’ll have probably noticed I’m a big fan of euphemisms. Not because I have a problem with the real words (vagina vagina vagina! Penis penis penis!) but because I find all the creative and quirky nicknames people use for sex and genitals to be pretty damn hilarious. And in some ways, empowering… maybe even personifying. I mean, you say the word vagina and people are all, “oh whatevs”. But you say the word cooter or snatch or muff or cunt, and there are instant connotations associated that emote some pretty strong feelings.
Some modern euphemisms are particularly special… but after reading this quick-guide to naughty Victorian slang, contemporary colloquialisms almost don’t measure up. I mean, we all know many of those filthy Victorians were button-up sex maniacs, but come on. Some of their most common euphemisms are gold. And I’m rallying to bring back my favorites.
Cunny (vagina): I first heard this term watching an old Western movie when I was a kid, and was instantly fascinated. I don’t remember the movie, but I remember that particular C-word, which is suggested to be the precursor to the contemporary ‘cunt’.
Quim (vagina): There’s just something sort of delightful about the word ‘quim’, am I right? It’s a bit fanciful and girlish – the kind of vagina you imagine would peek out from behind a lace and feather fan, batting her eyelashes and blushing at the mere mention of a lobcock (see below).
Lobcock (large, relaxed penis): Is it just me, or does a lobcock sound like the kind of thing a man would get incredibly wary having to carry around all day, and would make a loud thud sound when he threw it down on the table to unburden himself. The fact that this euphemism is specific to large, relaxed penises makes me laugh, but also seems somehow very fitting.
Fetching mettle (male masturbation): So, I wasn’t aware ‘mettle’ used to be slang for semen, but it kind of makes sense when you Google it and find its synonyms include ‘spirit’ and ‘spunk’. Apparently the Victorians were convinced women didn’t masturbate, which is why there is no slang for the female equivalent.
Beast with Two Backs
Beast with Two Backs (intercourse): I love this Shakespearian colloquialism – I like that it raw and animalistic and carnal – although I can’t imagine using it while discussing the events of the week over cocktails with my BFFs.
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