So, let me pre-empt this post by saying first and foremost that I most definitely do not judge your sexual preferences or kinks or fetishes, or anyone else’s for that matter. We’re all wired differently, and we should all be free to get our kicks via any (legal, consenting) means that tickles our fancy, so to speak.
That being said, I’m a firm believer that it’s important to have a healthy sense of humour when it comes to sex. Because if you take that out of the equation, it’s all way too serious. Obviously, when you’re required to research sex and sexuality and sexcapades as often as I am (for writing and, you know… because you’re Googling something for a friend) you’re bound to come across some rip-snorters in the weird and wonderful world of www.
Inflatable Hot Seat
Now, I always wanted a Moonhopper as a kid, but I never owned one. I think by the time the next Christmas or birthday had rolled around the craze was over, but I always kind of lamented having not jumped on this toy bandwagon. Imagine my shock/ delight/ horror when I came across this Inflatable Hot Seat – complete with erect, “jelly multi-speed dong” for your pleasure. I have so many questions. I mean, it says it holds up to 300lbs… but does that take into account vigorous bouncing? And the clear potential for backyard races riding this thing? I’ll never be able to look at a Moonhopper the same way again…
Nothing against anal play, but I couldn’t get past this little dude’s appearance. It’s like he’s a cross between a very skinny caterpillar with a frog-face, and some extra-terrestrial come to probe us all. He’s too cute to put up your butt, right?
Exotic Butterfly Clitoral Pump
Remember when Austin Powers revealed his fondness for his penis pump, and we all laughed and laughed? Well, it turns out penis pumps and pussy pumps are still a thing. Which is cool, I get it, I can see the appeal. But what I do not understand is the totally unappealing, borderline scary shapes and features of some of these pumps, designed to ‘heighten arousal’ in our most intimate areas. Take this model for example. Are you supposed to comb your hair with it, or fuck it? Either way, it’s not getting anywhere near my knickers.
Honey Bunny Latex Hood
This latex bunny mask is completely different to the rabbit featured on Sex and the City, and a far cry from the bunnies of the Playboy Mansion. This is the stuff of my nightmares, thankyouverymuch.
Self-Powered Fucking Machine
You’re probably familiar with the concept of fucking machines. There are entire porn sites dedicated to them, and if you haven’t stumbled across those the concept is pretty self-explanatory. Essentially, people all over the world spend hours – months, even – constructing the most elaborate pieces of machinery for the sole purpose of sex play. This self-powered ‘fantasy glide’ machine is like that… except not. Actually, it’s probably best summed up as being built like a pogo stick, with a detachable dildo where the foot rest would usually be. I’m sure the creators would argue there’s a lot more to it, but I’m not seeing it. It looks like awkward hard work to me… with the potential for some serious injury should you miss a stroke.
What’s the weirdest sex toy you’ve seen, in the flesh or online? Share it here, or via Facebook or Twitter.