The Difference Between Yes and YES YES YES!

Chloe Pedley Dec 19, 2013 1 comments 0

Enthusiastic consent. It's a really simple term, and it's a really simple concept - but somehow, the lines got blurred.  Enthusiastic consent very simply means that both participants are excited, willing, and able to say yes to sex.

Which in my opinion is pretty sexy.

What if a woman says yes, but then says no... - That's NOT enthusiastic consent

What if a woman is too drunk to enthusiastically consent  -That's NOT enthusiastic consent.

What if you "know she wants it" but she's saying she doesn't  - That's NOT enthusiastic consent!

(That was very heteronormative of me, the same applies for any partner you're considering having a bit of rumpty pumpy with)

Enthusiastic consent is the BEST type of consent. It's sexy has hell! Don't believe me? Listen to what it  could sound like

YES!!

Do more of THAT

FUCK me already

That FEELS GOOD

More! MORE! MORE!

No Means No

There are several reasons that consent culture isn't a buzz word and "Rape Culture" is. We have this misleading belief that when a woman say "No" she really means "Yes"  - now this may be true for some women, but the fact of the matter is that no, means no. Unless you have clearly communicated that No means Yes, and have another word that means NO - then, it's really simple: NO, means NO.

Pick up artists are taught to handle "Last Minute Resistance" where a woman (or partner) decides at the last moment that they don't want to have sex. Strategies they're taught include emotional bullying such as "Freeze Outs" to blatantly ignoring the woman's resistance and proceeding anyway - citing that a woman's resistance is merely her "Anti-Slut-Defence" or, her means of trying not to appear too slutty.

The trouble with this is, it's making a sweeping assumption that all women are the same. That all women say NO when they mean YES - a concept that couldn't be further from the truth.

A better approach would be to actually respect your partner, back off, and perhaps get back to the business of accepting her wishes.

Yes Doesn't Always Mean Yes

It gets murkier, because not all Yes's are the same... A coerced or pressured yes isn't the same as an enthusiastic yes.  A yes where the woman is too drunk to really say yes isn't the same as an enthusiastic yes. A yes, where the woman then withdraws and doesn't appear to be "into it" is not an enthusiastic yes.. it's still a NO.

The Right Type Of Yes And How To Ask

Enthusiastic consent is awesome because  it means you're both into it. You're both enjoying it, and you're both respectful of one another. no one is coerced, forced, or going to regret it in the morning. There's no "Buyer's remorse" there's no last minute resistance, its fun, consensual sex.

It's easy to check if your partner is into it too: ask "Are you into this".  Read her body language, are they enthusiastically participating? If they're not, back off, slow down, re-initiate foreplay, or if they really aren't into sex, respect their wishes. There's no need to manipulate her. There's no need to break through her resistance. She's resisting for a reason, and if you're truly after a good experience, delaying the marshmallow, and waiting until your partner is ready can be far more rewarding than an unenthusiastic lay.

Non-consensual sex is rape.

Chloe Pedley
Founder at Polkadotsi
Chloe is the founder of Polkadotsi, mother of four little boys, and wife and lover to a magnificent husband.
She's interested in all things sex and sexuality, and seeks to make a positive difference in the world by education.

Chloe is the founder of Polkadotsi, mother of four little boys, and wife and lover to a magnificent husband. She's interested in all things sex and sexuality, and seeks to make a positive difference in the world by education.