Why is the potent mix of pleasure and pain that can be found in illicit sex so hot? The break up sex. Sex with the train wreck, brilliant, broody, artist types. The addictive sex with the person you are in love with but who won’t commit to you. Or the full-blown affair with the married man.
Mother Nature is a bit of a trickster when it comes to sexual desire, love and relationships. She uses desire to drive us to make babies, preferably with a diversity of partners for maximum genetic diversity, but at the same time wants strongly bonded couples to both contribute to the task of raising a child. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Desire is rooted in novelty, mystery, danger and spontaneity. While love needs dependability, openness, and responsibility to grow and build a strong relationship.
That your nurturing and sex appeal will banish his demons and turn him into the kind of man you would want to introduce to your parents. Because you were there during the hard times your bond will be unbreakable, forged in the fires of adversity.
Perhaps you’re not looking for a relationship, why not go ahead and enjoy the illicit sex? Well here’s the bit where Mother Nature has the last laugh; sharing orgasms with someone gives our brain a strong oxytocin rush. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone, leading to icky lovey dovey feelings for our sex partners, even for those completely unsuited to a loving stable relationship.
Maybe you know the warning signs and you can fish your heart out of a situation and put your panties back on before you’re in too deep. But many of us fall into the, ‘Rescuer Fantasy’. We have been sold the idea by society that women need to ‘tame’ a man. It’s almost a point of pride, who hasn’t heard the clichéd line of; ‘Oh he used to party and date half the town, but when he met me that all turned around’. It is far too easy to succumb to the seductive idea that you may be the most amazing women he has ever met.
That your nurturing and sex appeal will banish his demons and turn him into the kind of man you would want to introduce to your parents. Because you were there during the hard times your bond will be unbreakable, forged in the fires of adversity. Of course the reality is you are probably only bonding yourself and that any changes in him are superficial because they have not come from within him.
So sooner or later you will get hurt, but by now your ‘rescuee’ is on to a good thing and you are likely to receive the, ‘I will never agains’. These big declarations are far too easy to believe because of your oxytocin addiction. A wave of forgiveness, hope and love may come over you with the last of the anger dissipating with the hot make-up-sex orgasms. But since the impulse for change is external not internal the cycle is likely to start all over again.
Its time women saved our nurturing, forgiveness and heartache for our babies (metaphorical or actual). And stop wasting it on full grown adults who should be responsible for themselves. By understanding how desire works we can have hot sex using the desire drivers of novelty, surprise, distance and manageable risk (think rollercoaster rides rather than unprotected sex) with people that respect our boundaries and emotional needs.
I am breaking up with the hurts-so-good sex and saying hello to clear boundaries, hello honesty, and hello oh-so-good sex. Imagine a world full of women who were doing the same, think of all the things we would be achieving with that extra energy, happiness and pleasure.
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