Your Vagina Is Gross (But Thankfully There is a Billion Dollar Industry Built on Fixing It)

Chloe Pedley Dec 8, 2013 1 comments 0

Do you own a vagina? Want it fresh as a daisy, smelling like a summer breeze? You’re in lucky, ladies! No longer do you have to put up with a less-than-flawless vajay, thanks to these amazing, and totes necessary, products.

Deodorant

Your vagina smells, and if you’re not regularly using a vaginal deodorant you’re doing it wrong. Feminine sprays, wipes and even suppositories are available in a wide range of fragrances, including honeysuckle and tropical rain*, to keep your snatch sensationally scented.

Tightening Serums And Gels

Want a tight twinkle, but don’t want to fork out thousands of dollars for a full vaginal rejuvenation? Some magical gels and serums on the market also offer tightening properties, to enhance the snugness of your schmoo for intimate adventures.

Crotch Sweat Liners

I bet you’d never even considered that your vagina sweats before seeing this revolutionary product by Kotex, right? Well sister, it does – and your sweaty vagina is highly offensive. Ain’t no one wanna see a sweat patch on your crotch during pilates. Stock up on sweat liners, stat.

Bleach

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but the color of your cooch is gross and is the reason your boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet. Want a ring on it? Bleach that beaver immediately.

Mints

These are similar to the deodorant suppositories mentioned above, but they ensure your honey pot tastes as good as it smells. Ready for sexy-fun-time with your lover? Be sure to chuck a mint** up there while changing into your best frilly nightie.

Steam

Remember that time you steam-cleaned your carpets and they came up looking like new again?! Well luckily someone had the foresight to apply this revolutionary idea to your cooter, which you can now detox with a holistic and herb-infused steam clean, based on eastern medicine.

And now for the truth...

Ladies, please don’t let these products near your private parts. Your vagina is self-cleaning, creating its own lubrication to keep it clean and healthy with little outside assistance. In fact, shoving chemicals up your cunny could do some serious damage, and upsetting its pH balance could actually cause irritation, inflammation, infection and odor.

Do you shower regularly? Great. Then you’re nailing it. I’ll leave you with this final though from the delightful and astute comedian Sarah Silverman.

*Seriously, I couldn’t even make this shit up if I tried.

**Thankfully, while researching this post I found the brilliant minds that were selling these ‘love to linger’ mints is now out of business. There is a God.

Vagina mints, and other things you don't need.

Vagina mints, and other things you don't need.

 

Image credit: © Alen-D - Fotolia.com

Chloe Pedley
Founder at Polkadotsi
Chloe is the founder of Polkadotsi, mother of four little boys, and wife and lover to a magnificent husband.
She's interested in all things sex and sexuality, and seeks to make a positive difference in the world by education.

Chloe is the founder of Polkadotsi, mother of four little boys, and wife and lover to a magnificent husband. She's interested in all things sex and sexuality, and seeks to make a positive difference in the world by education.