Sex is, obviously, a very personal and intimate experience, which is why sometimes it can be difficult to ask for what you want. Especially if you’re sharing the experience with someone new. Not communicating your desires and hot spots to your partner can end in heartbreak and sexual disaster, as so delightfully lamented by Lily Allen in Not Fair.
The thing is, letting your partner know what you like, what turns you on, and what really pushes your buttons is important, and can take your sexual adventures from fantastic, to mind-blowing. Your partner isn’t a mind reader – and more often than not, they’ll appreciate a little direction here or there. Knowing what you love will probably be a real turn-on for them, so ditch your hang-ups about being bossy, and get comfortable with asking for what you want.
Getting What You Want
I Love It When You…
A little positive reinforcement can go a long way, so if your partner is doing something you love, be sure to let them know. Vocalize how much you’re enjoying what they’re doing to you, and they’re likely to log it in the playbook for future reference.
You Know What I’d Really Like…?
Some gentle encouragement is a great way to offer direction without bruising your lover’s ego or making them feel inadequate. Catch them with your best seductive stare, and tell them what you want. You can be flirty and suggestive or direct, depending on the mood and how comfortable you feel.
Do You Like It When I…?
This communication deal works both ways; so try asking your partner what they enjoy. Their feedback will help you understand their needs better, and they’re likely to follow your lead and ask a few questions of their own.
Do You Want Me To Show You…?
Um – of course they do! If you really want to make it clear to your partner what works for you, what better way than to show them. You know your body better than anyone, so take the role of teacher and let them see how it’s done. They’ll love being given the opportunity to watch.
Avoiding What You Don’t Want
Asking for something you want is often easier than hinting for your lover to stop doing something you don’t enjoy. This can be particularly tricky territory, especially if it seems to be one of the moves they’re most proud of, but there’s no point keeping your displeasure on the down low. After all, imagine how mortified you’d feel if you found they’d been keeping quiet about something they don’t like?
In the moment, you can try and divert their attention elsewhere, but it might be that you need to have a quiet chat about it to clarify. Raise the subject in a completely non-sexual moment and environment, and explain that while you love it when they ABC, that XYZ thing they do just isn’t your thing. In all likelihood they’ll be relieved you told them. If they get embarrassed, reassure them of what you do enjoy, and explain that you just want to be honest. If they ignore you and keep doing that thing you don’t like, it might be time to kick them out of bed.
How do you prompt your partner to get what you want in bed?